Off Center
 
The trouble I have always had with astrology is that it isn’t industry-specific enough. Anybody can make general predictions about everyday life; but it takes a very special type of prognosticator to produce a horoscope aimed at a specific profession. And by “special” I mean insane. And by “prognosticator” I mean somebody who makes predictions that are intriguing though likely untrue – somebody like your workforce manager.
  
You can’t honestly tell me that you aren’t at least a tad bit intrigued to find out what your career has in store for you in the coming years. So kindly read on, but remember – this horoscope applies only to individuals who: 1) lead, supervise or train in a contact center; and 2) have a birthday that falls somewhere within the 12-month calendar. 
   

ARIES (MAR. 21- APR. 19)
Your fiery self-will and pioneering energy will eventually lead your agents to believe that you abuse certain illicit drugs. If you do not learn to relax, however, you may very well experience health problems that will hinder your ability to panic during really stressful call spikes. The overall outlook for your career is promising, though it is almost certain that on October 6th, 2013 at approximately 2:41 p.m., you will be hit with the sudden realization that you actually dislike most customers.


TAURUS (APR. 20-MAY 20)
Your borderline obsession with productivity will enable your center to achieve big efficiency improvements, but will likely inspire your agents to arrange to have you killed. Fortunately, your quickness and intelligence will enable you to survive the attempt on your life. Unfortunately, you will no longer feel comfortable conducting side-by-side monitoring sessions with staff.


GEMINI (MAY 21-JUN. 20)
You have an uncanny ability to see the many sides of a given issue, but are often unable to make any definite decisions in pressure situations, which is why you will soon become a consultant. Until then, you will continue to use your tendency for giving abstract and elaborate explanations to confuse the hell out of agents during training.


CANCER (JUN 21-JUL. 22)
Your extreme sensitivity will continue to make you popular with staff, who secretly enjoy watching you cry when they don’t meet their performance objectives. Your caring, emotional nature enables you to get inside the heads of and truly understand others, except for the Director of IT, whose sideburns confuse you. In six weeks you will suffer a nervous breakdown while trying to clearly explain to senior management what social media means for the contact center.


LEO (JUL. 23-AUG. 22)
Your penchant for self-expression and your endless creative energy make everybody wonder why you work in a contact center. Nonetheless, you love your job and are destined to achieve great success, provided you stop writing memos in iambic pentameter and painting constructive feedback on agents’ clothing. Sometime in June or July of 2014, you will be forced to use up all your sick leave after a stack of ACD reports gets snagged on your belly-button piercing.


VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEP. 22)
You are known for your tendency to analyze things in a practical and emotionally detached manner; in fact, I could tell you that you are nothing but a big, callous jerk who is fiercely hated by agents, and you wouldn’t even get upset. Your love of order and refinement will eventually help you to become a master of forecasting and scheduling, and your big callous jerkiness will eventually help you to become an executive.


LIBRA (SEP. 23-OCT. 22)
Your borderline obsession with balance and harmony will eventually drive you out of the hectic contact center environment and into a career as a yoga instructor. But until that day comes, you will have quite a measurable impact on agents’ ability to touch their toes. You will also help to raise your center’s performance in several lesser-known metrics, such as Average Chant Time, Centerwide Chakra Levels, and Number of Agents that Can be Folded into a Cubicle.


SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)
You have an intense, innate power to affect change in yourself and in others, but not in senior management, who just rejected your budget proposal five minutes ago. But you will not give in; your willingness to confront all that is overwhelming and terrifying has always astounded staff and co-workers, and will likely come in handy next month when your contact center implements chat.


SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21)
You are on a noble lifetime quest to discover truth and, as such, should avoid any and all contact with technology vendors. Your inquisitive and philosophical nature may get you into trouble during interdepartmental meetings, talks with upper management, and other situations where original thought is strictly prohibited. Eventually, your passion for trying to fully understand ambiguous concepts – such as love, death and speech analytics – will cause you to go insane and, consequently, get transferred to Accounting.


CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19)
Your self-discipline and austerity are strengths, although your refusal to take part in the egg-toss at the last contact center picnic cost you in terms of agent endearment. But don’t worry; despite your hair being parted on the side and your tendency to stop and salute senior managers, you are a likeable person who will soon lead your center to the next level of mediocrity.


AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)
Your eccentricity and radical individuality is a breath of fresh air for the contact center, and will eventually lead to you being severely beaten by a Capricorn. While laying in recovery, you will come up with some of the most inventive ideas the center has ever seen, including having supervisors dress like Little Bo Peep to make them easier for agents to find, and having agents dress like sheep just for the fun of it.


PISCES (FEB. 19-MAR. 20)
You exhibit a mystical dreaminess that enables you to come up with highly creative solutions in the contact center. Some of your more innovative new-age ideas – such as a crystal-based pay program and the introduction of aromatherapy into new-hire training – will eventually have a huge impact on agent performance. Unfortunately, you likely won’t be around to witness such success, as upper management is already planning to replace you with a Nepalese guru who is willing to undergo accent training and work for much less money.

Derek K.
10/14/2010 11:27:27 pm

Amusing as always! I look forward to the next level of mediocrity, but beating up the Aquarius will be much more satisfying

Reply
10/14/2010 11:36:29 pm

Glad you enjoyed it, Derek. Check your employee handbook before striking an Aquarius, just to make sure there isn't any disciplinary action you might face. I'm sure it will be fine.

Thanks for reading!

Regards,

Greg

Reply
Tena P.
10/15/2010 01:21:06 am

Just shared this with my staff to warm up a rainy, cold, slowcall Friday. Some are a little nervous that you've been spying on them...

Reply
Charmaine
10/15/2010 01:22:52 am

Since I've already been replaced by a Nepalese guru, can I leave for the day?

Reply
10/15/2010 01:31:08 am

@Tena: Your staff is correct, only I spy on them in the future, which is why I'm able to make such precise predictions. I'm like Nostradamus for the contact center set.

Stay warm and dry!

Best,

Greg

Reply
10/15/2010 01:44:49 am

@Charmaine. Yes, you can leave for the day -- I recommend you go home and watch the latest episode of the new NBC show "Outsourced".

Have a great weekend!

Regards,

Greg

Reply
10/18/2010 05:52:22 am

Entertaining stuff, Greg. Very creative, and I enjoyed it immensely.

Thanks,
Sarah

Reply
10/18/2010 06:03:12 am

Glad you enjoyed it, Sarah. So, what's YOUR sign? ; )

Reply
10/22/2010 01:39:18 am

I enjoyed this! And some points on Sagittarius hit me home -- speech analytics (i'm a QA) and Accounting (that's what I studied in college)! But no! I don't want to be transferred to Accounting. :)

Reply
10/22/2010 01:45:11 am

Ok Alwin, I'm going to replace the Sagittarius entry with a link to your Twitter profile. Sounds like you exemplify the Sagittarius sign!

Thanks for your comment.

Warm regards,

Greg

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