Off Center
 
T’was the night after training, and all I could think
Was how the call center might drive me to drink
We’d all practiced role-plays to help us prepare
But role-plays are easy – real customers scare.


So there I was snuggled all warm in my bed
While visions of acronyms danced in my head
I couldn’t remember what half of them meant
FCR? C-Sat? My brain had been bent.


Then all of a sudden my mind became clear
And all fear of handling calls disappeared
Want to know why I was no longer a wreck?
The Xanax I’d taken had taken effect


The drugs soon wore off, then all I could think
Was “What if the service I give truly stinks?”
What if my quality scores are the worst?
When push comes to shove on a call I might curse


The panic subsided and soon I was snoozing
That’s when the call center dreams started oozing
The calls I dreamt of grew increasingly hectic
One dream had my manager screaming out metrics:


“Abandonment! FCR! AHT! C-Sat!
Cost-per-call! Talk time! Response time and E-Sat!
C’mon you peons – don’t let service fall!
Just answer those, answer those, answer those calls!”


I awoke from that dream quite afraid of my headset
And was very displeased about making my bed wet
Only three hours before my first shift!
So I guzzled two Red Bulls to give me a lift


Soon I was buzzing and following through
Ready to steady all calls in the queue
Ready to dazzle with email and chat
Ready to laugh at those bullies called “stats”
 
The taurine and caffeine and sugar combined
To make me believe I could handle this grind
But Red Bull eventually loses its magic
And that’s when my first day logged in became tragic


The calls flooded in, my confidence ceased
Thank God for that thing on my phone called “Release”
I was coming unglued after only an hour
The callers were rude and I needed a shower


So I trudged to the restroom without any clearance
My manager shouted, “You’re out of adherence!”
When asked if that’s wrong, he just nodded and hissed
So I flipped him the bird and said “Monitor THIS!”



Happy Holidays to all! (And to all, a good laugh.)

Melissa Kovacevic
12/21/2010 10:14:16 pm

Ha Ha....Excellent Greg! Can't wait to share this.

Reply
12/21/2010 10:58:09 pm

Thanks Melissa -- and yes, kindly spread the spoofing and the satire around!

All the best,

G

Reply
12/22/2010 11:57:53 am

Love it! Tks Greg!

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12/22/2010 09:03:21 pm

Glad you enjoyed it, Paul -- though I'm sure Clement Clarke Moore is rolling over in his grave.

Regards,

G

Reply
12/28/2010 09:33:49 am

I awoke from that dream quite afraid of my headset and was very displeased about making my bed wet only three hours before my first shift!

Reply
Karen Wenborn
12/19/2011 11:37:41 pm

Now pasted to the office wall (old tech), on the internal social network (new tech)and for those still on the fence, sent via email. Fabulous Greg :-)

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